from the beginning....
there are those friends that you grew up, met in elementary school, or were introduced by their parents when they were young.  they have seen you grow in different directions in your life, but still stayed by your side.  they know what is inside your head.  they have seen you at your lowest and have been there at the greatest times of your life.  they encourage you when you are terrified of everything.  they laugh with you when you don't feel like it.  they are that ear that listens to you when no one else will.  they were on your side r  regardless if you haven't talked to these friends for days, months, or years....it doesn't matter because you can always pick up where you left off.  i have a handful of friends like these.  i miss them everyday.  west coast we shall be re-united soon.  

In the middle of everything....
then there are friends that you made when you least expected it.  for some reason you are able to connect with them in some random way.  you can laugh with them in 5 minutes about nothing, but still able to have an intense conversation about something.  you know nothing about them but you still want to be around them.  some of these friends you find are people you knew when you were younger.  the crazy thing is that you want to reconnect with them.  i mean you don't have to, but you do anyways.  you are able to act like you have known each other for years.  but in reality its been only months since you first met.  how does that even happen?  a great surprise in my own life.

sometimes this happens....
if we have lost touch in the last few years or months.  i am sorry!  at times life gets you busy.  its not on purpose that friendship slowly dwindles.  it just happens that way.  regardless of everything that has happened, i do STILL think about you and the great times we had.  don't worry our friendship will be reunited soon. where ever you are just know that i am praying for you.

a little message....
i just wanted to let all of my friends from my past and present know that i feel blessed to have you in my life.  i don't know where i would be if i didn't have people like you to keep sane or acccountable for my actions.  i have this cheesy on my smile of my face or laugh on the inside everytime i think about YOU. 

i also wanted to let these friends know that i am praying for you as well.  i mean when you have blessings in your life, you gotta take care of them.  right? 

even if i know you really well or if we just met, i am telling you that i will be praying for you.  for all the difficult times you are going through.  for the times that make you happy.  those times where you have to make those difficult decsions.  when you just can't seem to get something right.  during those days that everything just falls apart.  when there is pain in your life that won't go away.

i will pray for you because you are my blessing in life.  i hope you would do the same for me.

note to self: try to NOT cry while typing this

these songs spoke to me and reminded of the Houston concer - july 18th.  go ahead and CLICK CLICK CLICK on a song for some great background music

it all started.....
i have been a fan NKOTB fan since i was 1988.  i wasn't a hardcore fan but i was a fan.  i had the BIG nkotb book with gigantic pictures. the posters from the teen magazines like BIG BOPPER and TEEN BEAT (yeah you remember those!).  i was actually a jordan girl with joey tendencies.  i had alot of torn-out-of the magazines posters of jordan and joey.  every night i would kiss the jordan and joey posters before i went to sleep. 

my first NKOTB concert was in 1990 and i was 9 yrs old, back in san jose california.  i went with my dad and little brother.  our seats were actually in the back of the stage.  yeah thats right, they actually had tickets for seats like that.  throughout this particular concert all i saw was the back of joey mcintyre's body.  i can remember seeing him dance around at the back of the stage towards us.  he was the one mainly interracting with us.  well i was a kid just excited to be even be there. 

oh yeah 1990 was the year i was in 4th grade and found out that alot of my female classmates were NKOTB fans.  almost everyday we would talk about anything NKOTB-related.  we would share stories of the different merchandise we all got.  i vividly remember talking to a group of NK fans in my class about NKOTB boxers and who owned them.  there was this girl who owned them and was describing to use what they looked because she actually owned a pair.  geeeeez we thought she was like the coolest girl in our class.  keep in mind that i went to private catholic school where we had to wear uniforms.  so talking about boxers was like WHOAH!!!  plus i vaguely remember that there were like group of girls that liked each of the 5 guys.  i know there was a couple liked jordan (including myself), then some for danny, donnie, & joey.  then there was only ONE girl that liked jonathan and she was hella proud of it. 

throughout 1991 to 1994, i was still a fan.  i bought all their albums.  when they broke up, i was extremely sad about it. 

as the years (1995-2007) went by i was excited to see that all did their own projects.  like joe and jordan had solo albums.  did anyone see joey on that show BOSTON PUBLIC.  also did anyone notice that donnie was in SIX SENSE.  geeeeez i had to do a double take with that when i saw that movie.  actually it was until several years later that i realized it was him in that movie. 

fast foward to 2008
when all the craziness started.  i thought it was all a rumor at first.  then as i researched on the internet, i realized it was TRUE that NKOTB was reuniting.  oh i was hella excited!!!  i was trying to furiously search of when their tour was gonna pass by HOUSTON, TX.  as the the months went by and there was more news and talk about their reunion, i was bought their NEW cd and was playing it over and over in my car. 

when i found out that were going to be in houston on a weekday in OCTOBER which was was a THURSDAY.  i didn't think i could go because i had to go to work EARLY the next day.  yeah that sounds like horrible excuse.  i immediately regretted it the next day.  i should have went anyway for the experience regardless of where the seats were.  near the end of this month i ended up joining the NKOTB main message boards.  made some great friends through that site and the the fan site.  it was has been non-stop giddy-ness with discussion of our favorite guys.

more months go by and i hear that their 2008 tour comes to an end and that there is a major announcemnt coming.  then i find out that there are more news about a SPRING 2009 tour.  ohhhhh damn i am excited because maybe i can redeem myself for not going the past october.  i soon hear it will be in HIDALGO, TX.  uhhhh where is that?  oh well its ok because that will be the first stop for their spring tour.  i start making plans with one of my friends to take the greyhound bus to hidalgo and researching prices for tickets. 

basically i am all over this 1st concert stop in hidalgo that there were days that i stayed on the computer to make sure i didn't miss anything about this concert.

this where it stops - FEBRUARY 2009
while all this excitement is going on i actually i start thinking about giving up NKOTB for Lent (this is when you give up something for 40 days).  this was a hard decision to make because i was sooo addicted to this group and the message boards.  well the reason i decided to this because i wanted prove to myself that i could handle my life without NKOTB.  this love for them was becoming like a crack addiction (haha not that i know anything about that).  i was seriously on the internet looking at youtube videos and their message boards for hours at night.  i would sometimes get on the message boards while at work   oh this was not a good idea and i ended up kinda slacking while working.  i am a special ed teacher's assistant so i wasn't putting all my effort into the classroom along with the head teacher.  i have almost gotten myself into trouble staying on the computer at work.  this addiction was taking over my everyday life.  so i decide i would give up NKOTB 40 days.  i seriously started to freak out a little bit because i wasn't sure if i could survive. 

telling NKOTB about my deprivation:
http://www.saynow.com/playMsg.html?ak=SWM0cGFXMDFReFF0MmlkZUdXYmREUT09

i found out that someone else was going to do a 40 day deprivation from NKOTB as well.  i met her on the fan site.  TIFFANY (from san diego, california) was also doing this.  so i had a partner to go through this deprivation torture with.  it was nice to have somebody to hold you accountable throughout this 40 days of insanity.  i learned alot about tiffany and she learned alot about me.  we helped each other when we had problems.  tiffany really helped when i felt like "falling off the wagon" during my deprivation.  she immediately tried to kept me in check.  i let her chew my ear off on the phone if she needed to vent.  there was just something so empowering about being that rock for someone that needs help.  it was a blessing.  i don't think i could have survived the NKOTB deprivation without her.  yeah i am serious.

besides gaining a friend through this, i also learned and grew from this.  without my focus on NKOTB, i was forced to have eyes opened to other things in my life that were being neglected. personally and emotionally i was ignoring things in my life.  i was upset with myself that i let these certain aspects of my life to be ignored.  i am not proud of it.  my health was not acceptable because i had let myself go. i just wasn't taking care of myself.  i guess i just didn't want to face myself.  i knew that if i didn't change the way i took care of myself, that it would catch up with me.

plus the boyfriend and i had hit a point in our relationship where we weren't on the same page and not connecting the way we used 2 yrs ago.  we weren't growing together, we were growing in different directions  so it was during this 40 day deprivation that i finally made a decision to move on.  it was so hard, but i knew it was the right decision to make.  i guess i finally saw it and it hit me hard.  we weren't right for each other at the moment. i wasn't sure how i was gonna handle it.  the day after i was ok but the weeks following i was a mess and had a rollercoaster of emotions.  i knew we were both hurting but this was necessary.  while we were apart, i thought "sure i could handle it if he called me".  1 month after we broke up, the EX called me to check up on me.  i saw his phone # on my caller id on my cell.  i answered it.  8 minutes of talking to him and i couldn't handle it.  i was still not ready.  he was seriously to still be friends.  i told him that i couldn't handle being "anything" with him right now.  it hurt so bad because he was my best friend and now he wasn't anymore.  as of right now i haven't kept in conctact with him since then.

i had kept in contact with the friends i made on the main message boards.  it was nice that they kept checking up on me.  i was invited for a fan meet up during this deprivation but i chose not to do it.  plus there was a concert happening on march 7 in hidalgo, tx.  i was so sad i couldn't experience it all with them.  the great thng was alot of them understood what i was trying to do and kept encouraging me to go through with the 40 days.  it touched my heart that they were even thinking about me.  it felt like i was still in the Blockhead loop.  thanks to them, i wanted to prove to everyone else and myself that i was strong enough to finish this deprivation

made it through to april 18th, MORE surprises, my first offical fan function
well it went from 40 days to 46 days.  it turns out that my friend tiffany was gonna stop at spring concert date on april 18th.  so i decided that if i was gonna start it with her, i might as well finish it with her.  well i did.  i was sooo happy that i made it and i had her their to hold me accountable.

this is me leaving a message to NKOTB after 1st deprivation was done
http://www.saynow.com/playMsg.html?ak=enJ4Q1cvc3pwL3BwRUtIK3AzdlNQUT09

by the way i found out some great news that NKOTB was going to do a summer tour.  i was super excited.  well guess where there last stop was.  it was gonna be in HOUSTON.  on july 18th to be exact.  this time i made sure to not miss out.  i wanted to go with my co-worker because she was fan.  yeah we made plans.  i bought the tickets.  there was nooooo way i was gonna miss out.  not this time.  last concert was 1990 when i was 9 years.  i am soooooo going.  i wanted to enjoy this in my adulthood.  this was my time to finally enjoy what everyone else was enjoying.  even if it was their last stop for their summer tour, its okay though because i would be making NEW memories.

since i was off this crazy deprivation, i decided finally meet the houston blockheads that were rooting for me.  it was JUNE 6TH that i went to my 1st fan meet-up.  i was a little nervous because i didn't know what to expect or if they would even except me.  alot of them were already friends with each other because of the pictures that i would often see on teh fan sites.  when it came down to it, i just wanted to connect with folks from area that understood my LOVE for NKOTB.  these people understood that.  this was all i wanted and i wanted to thank them for encouraging me.  that night didn't start off that great because of lame drama.  well i did get pulled over.  so upset about that, but i chose not dwelll on it.  when i finally got to the meet-up, everyone was really nice.  apparently alot of the ladies hear about my deprivation and i was someone that they admired.  haha what??!!  that was crazy to hear.  wasn't expecting that at all.  that night was just great to meet and get to know everyone.  especially to meet my first fan friend, ANNETTE.  she was the one that told me me about fan meet-ups.  it was great to finally meet her in person.  i really enjoyed myself with everyone.  there was great stories to hear and non-stop laughing.  i didn't want it to end.

NKOTB deprivation - part 2 and more connections
well the summer tour was gonna start on june 4th in atlanta.  i decided that i wanted to be surprised for my own concert, so i started my deprivation AGAIN.  this was soooo hard.  i cheated several times during this month and half.  the first day, i was all over the internet looking at pictures and some spoilers.  haha i was not doing so well.  for the most part i tried to not see any major things: the set list, pictures of the stage, or reading any blogs.  i wanted to fully embrace the experience.  it was extremely difficult when blockhead fans were on TWITTER spreading around details and "eye candy" of their concert.  once in awhile i glanced over the insanity, but tried to stop.  yeah i have low will power.  i was actually against twitter because it was just giving away too much and not leaving any element of surprise.  (but i did join the TWITTER craze recently, but thats for another blog.  haha)

leaving another message NKOTB, saying goodbye for a 2nd time
http://www.saynow.com/playMsg.html?ak=RmNPeFplbFFtcllOVHBtTGlyLzU4dz09

found out that HOUSTON fans wanted to fan meet up on JULY 5TH at the WATER WALL at the galleria area for some pictures.  good idea to do because it was nice to get together and capture a great moment.  we took pictures with our NKOTB gear and signs.  we wanted to to do something BIG before some folks were off to their concerts.  this was 2 WEEKS before the last concert in houston.  we were proud of who were together and who were supporting  i was especially proud to wear my OFFICIAL fan shirt

here is what it looked like

the back
 

the front

this us showing our LOVE

us being silly. 

I was overwhelmed with all the friends I made from other states and countries 2 weeks before my concert.I amazed me that 1 common denominator can bring us all together.There are people that have never met me but continue to check up on me just to see if I am ok.Keep in mind we are in different parts of the world but we still talk one another. 

it touches my heart that these people took the tiem to get to me.  these folks know who they are and i am proud to be connected in such a beautiful way. 

july 18th - witnessing something GREAT!
this was waiting 19 years for this day.  i was so excited that i didn't know what to do with all my energy.  leading up to the afternoon i was feeling nervous and my body was tensing up.  i started to feel nauseous and getting headaches.  i guess the anticipation really got to me. 

i was nervous that the day wouldn't go as planned because i kept having negative thoughts of different expectations.  i was happy for a few of my friends that have met them or went to several concerts already.  i was little bummed that i didn't get those opportunites.  i quickly got over it because i realized that this was my own experience.  i decided i was going to "OWN" my moment that night.  when i was trying to find my friend ivylynn, i was getting upset because i just couldn't find her.  so as i was searching, i noticed   well my moment happend before the concert.

there was a group of guards on horses blocking our path to one entrance.  i was wondering what was going on?

i saw a group of guys approcaching.  i noticed that 1 of the guys looked familar.  then i realized who it was

JONATHAN KNIGHT passed by me!

seriously jonathan was 30ft in front of me.  i am so happy that i saw him up close (sort of) instead of far away.  even if i didn't meet him in person, i was happy because it was such a nice surprise.  i was geeking out because i have waited a long time to some kind of "facetime" with any of them.  i was happy with it.  this moment was mine and i was proud of it.  i enjoyed it.  everyone has their experience and this was mine.  i felt blessed to witness it.  so simple but exciting.

*sidenote:
jonathan knight has been my favorite NK member since NKOTB came back together.  it used to be jordan knight and joey mcintyre. but now it was jonathan!  i guess its because i see that he has such beautiful soul.  my goal was to somehow meet him.  i wanted to let him know that he has been such an inspiration to me and to a number of people.  he has definitely showed that through adversity you can accomplish anything.  jonathan has this quiet spirit that is so infectious that makes everyone want to be around him, including myself.  everyone sees what a great talent he is and we all have been trying to get him to realize it.  his humble demeanor is what i admire about him.  his honesty with everything is something i strive for.  the truth in his voice, makes you truely listen to what he is saying.  its this transformation in him that we all witnessed this past year, that makes it such a personal journey for all of us.  he such a blessed person and we are blessed to have seen grow so much.

such a treat to witness jonathan in his own element

when it came time for concert to start i was so excited to even be there.  ivylynn noticed that i wasn't cheering as much and i told her that i was soaking it ALL in.  i wanted to observe and feel every element that was happening.  i couldn't believe i was really there.  my dream had finally come true as an adult.  i felt like i was witness something so great.  this was their LAST concert of their summer tour and i was a part of it.  i was happy and sad.  i wanted that concert to last forever.  every little moment during those 2 hours was amazing to me.  i soaked EVERYTHING in.  i had no expectations going into it.  i was happy that everything i saw was so new to me.  i knew why i had to deprive myself TWICE.  i understand now.  it was all for this night.

it felt like all the things i went through this past year lead up to this moment.  all the struggles and learning was showing to really see what TRUE love and friendship were about.  i witenssed ALL of it at that concert.  this was where i wanted to be.  we showed the boys our love for them during a performance of "I'LL BE LOVING YOU FOREVER".  it didn't matter where you were at that moment at this venue, you felt the LOVE and FRIENDSHIP spreading.  you felt it with person you were next to.  you felt it from the from the seats close to the stage, further from the stage, and the lawn seats.  damn you even felt it on TWITTER.  we all wanted to be connected.  i just wish i had my friends from different parts of the world with me.  sure it wasn't the same without them, but i had them in my heart.  we shared this experience together.    

left a message for NKOTB after their concert.  it was happy. haha
http://www.saynow.com/playMsg.html?ak=VitXV2c1VmFYa1NLOUVraGRZWG5SQT09

we didn't have to keep talking to each other after our 1st concert.
we didn't have to have a fan meet up in our areas or states AGAIN.
there was no reason to share stories even if we heard the same ones over and over and over again.
what was the reason for camping outside of venues?
why do a road trip a couple hundred miles away again and again?
sure we heard their songs once, why are we hearing it again.

sure we didn't have to, but we did anyway.  some of us just met each other. while others reconnected after so many years.  we have become each other's partners in crime.  that phone call late at night when we needed to talk.  that laugh we needed at the end of the day.  that very much needed heart to heart conversation when we need to express ourselves.  that hug that helped us feel better.

i am PROUD to have gotten to know some of these special people in my state of TEXAS, from other states, and  in other countries.  its wonderful to to encounter someone that UNDERSTANDS me and our boys.

like in joey mcintyre's song "5 BROTHERS AND A MILLION SISTERS", there is some truth to it.  we fell in love with 5 brothers from boston.  we became sisters and brothers to each other after everything happened.  that is why we all continue to have that experience with each other.

we are friends because this is what we have in common.  in the end all that mattered is that we STILL cared for each other even when it was over.

just remember its not over because we won't let it be over.  we are still here.

**anyone crying yet from reading this**