Weblog

Wednesday, 02 December 2009

Monday, 16 November 2009

  • day 1: it started out fine....sort of

    on the right track
    so my 1st day of donnie wahlberg deprivation started out fine. i was able to keep myself busy at work with the students.

    i wasn't on the computer alot today. i think if i was, i would be tempted to look at ddub videos or pictures on twitter

    i'm extremely proud of myself that when donnie started tweeting, i was able to control myself.  normally i would respond to whatever funny or inspirational tweet donnie would make.  if he responded back to me, then that woudl be awesome.  i'm surprised that i alot of self control when i saw all these tweets coming from him and other people. i wante to join in the twittering fun.  but i didnt' give in

    some BHs (nkotb fans) thought i was insane for depriving myself from donnie wahlberg this week.  seriously, trust me i WANT to look at every picture OR video that is floating around twitter from Montreal's DW party.  but i would just spoiling myself with no element of surprise when 11/22 comes around.

    slowly gave in.....
    then later in the day i started itchin' for some DW visuals.  i feel so damn guilty for giving in.  i was trying to be strong, but that didn't work.  there were more and more pictures floating around twitter from this past weekend's MONTREAL party.  for some reason, in my head, i wanted to feel like i was included.  yeah thats not a good excuse cuz i WILL be included this sunday, 11/22 at HUSH nightclub. 

    i'm upset that i didn't have self-control.  i want to prove to myself that i can make it these 6 days without any donnie wahlberg goodies.  i need to hold myself accountable be better example. grrrrr its soooo hard to this

    for those that STILL doing understand why i'm doing this, its mostly for myself.  i want to prove that i can control myself. this deprivation is just my way of preparing for 11/22.  i want to be completely SURPRISED at the event.  i don't want to have any expectations.

    i know now this WILL be very hard.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

  • its starting again..deprivation!

    going to start my donnie wahlberg deprivation TONIGHT @ 12AM (midnight).

    just to clarify, i'm depriving myself from anything that involves donnie wahlberg. these things will be bubbletweets, party videos, and tweeting him.

    the reason i'm doing this is cuz i want to have the FULL experience on 11/22 during donnie wahlberg's I GOT IT party @ HUSH nightclub in Houston. i don't want to spoil anything for myself. i want to be totally surprised. i'm detaching myself from donnie. *sigh*

    i did this kind of deprivation when i gave up NKOTB for LENT (40 days) and 1 month and a half before my summer tour concert 7/18. both times were totally worth it. i went into my 1st concert in 15 years with no expectations. i just wanted to have a good time and soak everything in.  lately since donnie wahlberg has been spoiling alot of the BHs with his tweets, pictures, and bubbletweets...its been like instant gratification for our eyes. we get to see right away what is going on during his parties. it feels like we are right there with him.

    this will be 6 days of pure TORTURE for me. i will miss tweeing donnie. i'm going to need ALOT of self-control. knowing that donnie reads my tweets or even re-tweets what i'm tweets STILL boggles my mind. plus i really want to respond to some of his own tweets sometimes. i like communicating or TRYING to communicate with him. daaaaaamn this will be hella hard.  i'm detaching myself from donnie wahlberg till 11/22. i was thinking of depriving myself from twitter, but thats too hard. haha i need some kind of connection to my friends.

    i will update this DAILY in order for everyone to see if i haven't gone crazy yet.  basically my goal is to prove that you can do this for 6 days.  i don't think i will be on twitter alot either since most of my time is spent looking for donnie's tweets. thats like 80% of my time that i'm saving. yay?

    my 6 days of pure madness...ahhhhhhh!!!!!...

    (i wonder if donnie wahlberg will ever see this....haha yeah right)

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

  • trying to get over IT

    well i guess my inner thoughts will not be sufficient enough for 140 characters on twitter. 

    soooo here goes......*breath, breath*

    is it possible that you can never really escape your past. well for most of my life i have been really good at it.  i have been able to move on from certain situations and see the positive side to it.  i have tried to NOT look back at distant memories that have effected me.  when i didn't get things to happen in my favor, i would look at it as a blessing from GOD.  when i lost touch with a particular friend, i left it up fate to reunite our friendship. 

    well it isn't that easy for me to do that right now

    it has been already 6 months since the EX and i broke up.  i have tried my best to NOT keep in contact with him.  so far i have been successful.  except for the incident where the EX called me 1 month after we broke up.  i made the mistake of answering my cell phone.  i told myself numerous times a couple weeks after we broke up that i could handle if i saw him randomly or if he called.  yeah riiiiiiiight, that didn't go over too well.  it took 8 minutes to realize that i could NOT handle hearing his voice again on the phone.  it was so awkward to talk to him and not feel certain things. it was upsetting to know that this person on the other line was not my best friend that i was in love with.  we were no longer connected in that way anymore. 

    this past summer, i have been doing fine trying to deal with all of this.  i kept myself busy with having 2 jobs, made some new friends, studied for my teacher certification exam, experienced some life lessons, and saw my favorite childhood band in concert (finally!!).  i was happy with the way my life was.  being busy was what kept me sane.  i enjoyed every minute of it. 

    i think there is a possibility that he has been reading my blogs lately.  i have my ways of finding out.  but if he is reading, thats fine with me.  well this will probably be the only way he ends up getting in some kind of contact with him.  yeah that kind of sucks, but that is the only way i can handle the situation.  if he is reading this, then he can see where i am coming from.

    since i joined twitter, he has also tried to request me as friend.  i chose to not add him.  am i mean?  this is just my way of dealing with it.  for some reason i just feel like once i got into a good place without him, i was able to be okay with everything.  then out of nowhere, he wants to try to connect again.  that totally caught me off guard.  its like i thought i was safe to grieve on my own.  i wanted slowly to transition from being in LOVE and get it out of my heart.  i can't do this when i see reminders of what used to be. 

    yeah i know he wants to have some kind of normalcy right now between us.  but its just not possible for me.  its STILL hurts because those feelings are STILL there.  if it takes several more months or years to get over this, then let it be.  i NEED to let go.  i am sorry.  hope he understands

    for right now, i need space. 

Tuesday, 04 August 2009

  • let me tell you about friends

    "so blessed i can't contain it...."

    from the beginning....
    there are those friends that you grew up, met in elementary school, or were introduced by their parents when they were young.  they have seen you grow in different directions in your life, but still stayed by your side.  they know what is inside your head.  they have seen you at your lowest and have been there at the greatest times of your life.  they encourage you when you are terrified of everything.  they laugh with you when you don't feel like it.  they are that ear that listens to you when no one else will.  they were on your side r  regardless if you haven't talked to these friends for days, months, or years....it doesn't matter because you can always pick up where you left off.  i have a handful of friends like these.  i miss them everyday.  west coast we shall be re-united soon.  

    In the middle of everything....
    then there are friends that you made when you least expected it.  for some reason you are able to connect with them in some random way.  you can laugh with them in 5 minutes about nothing, but still able to have an intense conversation about something.  you know nothing about them but you still want to be around them.  some of these friends you find are people you knew when you were younger.  the crazy thing is that you want to reconnect with them.  i mean you don't have to, but you do anyways.  you are able to act like you have known each other for years.  but in reality its been only months since you first met.  how does that even happen?  a great surprise in my own life.

    sometimes this happens....
    if we have lost touch in the last few years or months.  i am sorry!  at times life gets you busy.  its not on purpose that friendship slowly dwindles.  it just happens that way.  regardless of everything that has happened, i do STILL think about you and the great times we had.  don't worry our friendship will be reunited soon. where ever you are just know that i am praying for you.

    a little message....
    i just wanted to let all of my friends from my past and present know that i feel blessed to have you in my life.  i don't know where i would be if i didn't have people like you to keep sane or acccountable for my actions.  i have this cheesy on my smile of my face or laugh on the inside everytime i think about YOU. 

    i also wanted to let these friends know that i am praying for you as well.  i mean when you have blessings in your life, you gotta take care of them.  right? 

    even if i know you really well or if we just met, i am telling you that i will be praying for you.  for all the difficult times you are going through.  for the times that make you happy.  those times where you have to make those difficult decsions.  when you just can't seem to get something right.  during those days that everything just falls apart.  when there is pain in your life that won't go away.

    i will pray for you because you are my blessing in life.  i hope you would do the same for me.

    "Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together" - Woodrow Wilson

    "A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure."  - Sirach 6:14

Weblog Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.

clawdeeah

  • Visit clawdeeah's Xanga Site
    • Country: United States
    • State: Texas
    • Birthday: 12/6/1980
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 11/13/2002

About Me

  • helloooooo everyone..this claudia..to those who know me..this is "clauds" or "clouds"..so yeah i hope u enjoy my little site..i will try my best to make it as interesting as possible...peace..WORD!!