on the right track
so my 1st day of donnie wahlberg deprivation started out fine. i was able to keep myself busy at work with the students.

i wasn't on the computer alot today. i think if i was, i would be tempted to look at ddub videos or pictures on twitter

i'm extremely proud of myself that when donnie started tweeting, i was able to control myself.  normally i would respond to whatever funny or inspirational tweet donnie would make.  if he responded back to me, then that woudl be awesome.  i'm surprised that i alot of self control when i saw all these tweets coming from him and other people. i wante to join in the twittering fun.  but i didnt' give in

some BHs (nkotb fans) thought i was insane for depriving myself from donnie wahlberg this week.  seriously, trust me i WANT to look at every picture OR video that is floating around twitter from Montreal's DW party.  but i would just spoiling myself with no element of surprise when 11/22 comes around.

slowly gave in.....
then later in the day i started itchin' for some DW visuals.  i feel so damn guilty for giving in.  i was trying to be strong, but that didn't work.  there were more and more pictures floating around twitter from this past weekend's MONTREAL party.  for some reason, in my head, i wanted to feel like i was included.  yeah thats not a good excuse cuz i WILL be included this sunday, 11/22 at HUSH nightclub. 

i'm upset that i didn't have self-control.  i want to prove to myself that i can make it these 6 days without any donnie wahlberg goodies.  i need to hold myself accountable be better example. grrrrr its soooo hard to this

for those that STILL doing understand why i'm doing this, its mostly for myself.  i want to prove that i can control myself. this deprivation is just my way of preparing for 11/22.  i want to be completely SURPRISED at the event.  i don't want to have any expectations.

i know now this WILL be very hard.

well i guess my inner thoughts will not be sufficient enough for 140 characters on twitter. 

soooo here goes......*breath, breath*

is it possible that you can never really escape your past. well for most of my life i have been really good at it.  i have been able to move on from certain situations and see the positive side to it.  i have tried to NOT look back at distant memories that have effected me.  when i didn't get things to happen in my favor, i would look at it as a blessing from GOD.  when i lost touch with a particular friend, i left it up fate to reunite our friendship. 

well it isn't that easy for me to do that right now

it has been already 6 months since the EX and i broke up.  i have tried my best to NOT keep in contact with him.  so far i have been successful.  except for the incident where the EX called me 1 month after we broke up.  i made the mistake of answering my cell phone.  i told myself numerous times a couple weeks after we broke up that i could handle if i saw him randomly or if he called.  yeah riiiiiiiight, that didn't go over too well.  it took 8 minutes to realize that i could NOT handle hearing his voice again on the phone.  it was so awkward to talk to him and not feel certain things. it was upsetting to know that this person on the other line was not my best friend that i was in love with.  we were no longer connected in that way anymore. 

this past summer, i have been doing fine trying to deal with all of this.  i kept myself busy with having 2 jobs, made some new friends, studied for my teacher certification exam, experienced some life lessons, and saw my favorite childhood band in concert (finally!!).  i was happy with the way my life was.  being busy was what kept me sane.  i enjoyed every minute of it. 

i think there is a possibility that he has been reading my blogs lately.  i have my ways of finding out.  but if he is reading, thats fine with me.  well this will probably be the only way he ends up getting in some kind of contact with him.  yeah that kind of sucks, but that is the only way i can handle the situation.  if he is reading this, then he can see where i am coming from.

since i joined twitter, he has also tried to request me as friend.  i chose to not add him.  am i mean?  this is just my way of dealing with it.  for some reason i just feel like once i got into a good place without him, i was able to be okay with everything.  then out of nowhere, he wants to try to connect again.  that totally caught me off guard.  its like i thought i was safe to grieve on my own.  i wanted slowly to transition from being in LOVE and get it out of my heart.  i can't do this when i see reminders of what used to be. 

yeah i know he wants to have some kind of normalcy right now between us.  but its just not possible for me.  its STILL hurts because those feelings are STILL there.  if it takes several more months or years to get over this, then let it be.  i NEED to let go.  i am sorry.  hope he understands

for right now, i need space.